realidad

I haven’t told my family yet. I’ve been dealing with this for almost 3 months and I have yet to tell my family. I tried after thanksgiving but couldn’t do it. Almost had a full-blown panic attack when I tried telling my sister. Why? Because telling them makes it real. Right now I can spend time with them and it can be about my sister selling her house, or my mom not trusting the water from the city . . . the second I tell them I have cancer now it’s about me and I have nowhere to escape.

I know I need to tell them. I have three sisters and this increases their risk – they deserve to know they have a first-degree relative who has breast cancer so they can adjust their screenings and get genetic testing. I just don’t want to tell them. I’m not super close to 2 of my sisters and am very private when it comes to my life. I don’t want to go to gatherings and be questioned about my treatment and how I am handling my diagnosis. That’s my business, nobody else needs to know.

My mother had a close friend that just died from cancer. Literally within the last month. My mother is from that generation where it seems like cancer is pretty much treated like a death sentence. I can’t carry her grief/worry in addition to mine. I’m barely carrying my own at the moment. Just writing that makes me feel like a shitty person but I don’t know that I have the bandwidth to handle her response.

I’m kind of down to the wire on telling them though. I have surgery next week and will need to explain why I’m not available (I go to my parents every weekend to help them with things) . . . I just don’t know that I have the strength to do it.